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This is my first post in a year and is coming at you as an unedited first draft. The past few years since Covid-19 hit the greater Seattle area have been life-changing for me - for the world. I have curated several draft posts that aren't ready or are no longer what I want to write about. I've been thinking a lot lately about intent vs. impact and how it shows up. Examining how we weigh the two very separate things - remembering how we forget far too often that they are two separate things.
My intention was to post a new blog about my experience interviewing as a neurodiverse 43-year-old woman (44 now). Intending to share my recent experience - where I for the first time in an interview, shared that I had ADHD. I intended to write the blog of all blogs expressing my joy, fear, and every other emotion that swam in as I prepared to do so and then actually did. The thing about having ADHD is that I began to write the blog post three separate times but when I went back, I was either no longer interested in the way the writing was going or just not interested in writing in the moments of free personal time I have leading up to the blog post deadline (that I created for myself with the best of intentions).
The impact of my intention did not turn out as intended at all. The impact consisted of unnecessary stress put on me comprised of layer after layer of imposter syndrome. My intent was to share about my experience and to set a deadline so that I would finish the blog idea with others. Setting a deadline was a new idea as well for me. My previous posts have always been posted when they were ready. The reality is, that I haven't been ready to finish a blog post or share what I am experiencing or feeling this past year. All I did with this good intention was create unneeded stress for myself and likely make myself look flakey on social media by counting down the blog post date and time. Who posts a blog on May 31st at 11:59 PM? I mean, what was I thinking.
In the past year, I've downsized homes by two-thirds. Sent my only child off to live on campus for their freshman year of college, lived alone for the first time in 19+ years, began a new role with a new company, lost loved ones, had covid twice (I know, I know!), lost and gained relationships, as well as was diagnosed officially with Lupus - and I don't even want to unpack the domestic terrorism in my country plastered across the news with headlines of the new day's mass shooting over race, politics, and religion. Or the fact that women's rights and human rights are at a pivotal moment in U.S. politics. I don't share this information to compare who has it worse or for consulting. I post this to share in the hopes that you will think about your intention vs impact a little sooner than I did this past year in many scenarios. I post this because I found myself in late May wondering why in the world I continue to push myself to write these damn blogs when I really haven't enjoyed them this past year. My desire to become a great blogger one day and to practice until I am perfect no longer brings me the same joy as before.
In the end, I do not have a blog post to share with you that brings me joy to write about or share. Until that happens, I am not going to push it. I am going to show myself some grace and reflect on just how much my world has changed in the past 12 months. The change alone is enough pressure and creates enough complexity for me. I do not need to add layers upon layers to be considered a professional or looked up to in my field. I do not need to post to social media and interact on social a minimum of three times a day to continue to be part of the social communities I enjoy. I do need to take care of myself. I do need to allow myself some grace. I do need to accept that sometimes just surviving it all is okay. It's okay for a period of time to hunker down and do what you can do without stress and nothing more. Does my neurodiversity have anything to do with my lack of joy in blogging this past year? Maybe. Does my lack of blogging this past year matter in the grand scheme of things? Not even a little bit.
Where does this leave the draft folder of blogs I once found a spark of joy from and this blog? I've given myself permission to not have to have an answer.
Do me a favor and check-in with yourself. Ask yourself, how's your heart - how's your head? From there take an honest several moments to ponder and process. Make sure the intentions you have for yourself are aligned with their actual impact they have on your mental, physical, and emotional health. Take time to ensure you're focusing on joy along your road to accomplish your goals and living your life.